you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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