I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
