it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Text me some of your sweat
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
