I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
