made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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