you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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