I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
