WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
