I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
