were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
