just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
