I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
