return my video game
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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