My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Randomize
