i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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