Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Randomize
