I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
