my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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