I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
