Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
