have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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