i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
sarcasm needs its own font
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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