I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
