I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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