If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I think your dad took our porno
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
