Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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