I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
