the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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