I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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