I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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