its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
