We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
