I queefed so loud it echoed.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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