we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
she told me i tasted like america
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
