my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
