Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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