I look better un-naked...
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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