someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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