At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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