oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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