can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
