Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
