Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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