That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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