i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I need water and some morals
Randomize
