i jhust puked up my retainher.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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