I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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