Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
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