Michael Bay diarrhea
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
