I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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