I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
