i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
