I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
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