Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Randomize
