maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
