I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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