We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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