Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
