I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
