I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Where did you get a picture of my penis
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
